Hi.
Welcome to The Stumped, a website of writing + design by two brothers. Pick something - and get reading.
Welcome to The Stumped, a website of writing + design by two brothers. Pick something - and get reading.
*Author's Note: In the "Viral," by _______________ series, I imagine how famous authors would create narratives from viral videos. So, no, William Shakespeare did not write this story; he has likely been dead for about 400 years. For clarification, please watch the video below before reading. Enjoy.
The Persons of the Play
JACK REBNEY, an RV Salesman
TONY, a sales associate
MIKE REBNEY, Jack’s father, a ghost
ROY, a shareholder
JULIE, a shareholder
1.1
[JACK REBNEY], an RV Salesman, lies alone on his bed, center stage
JACK O father, with thine last gasp hast thou
Floated me, thine only heir, among the
Branches sharp and gales fierce. Fie, cruel Fate,
For thine thrust. To take thine fledgling
From measured nest, to move from dark to light
When moon glow nurtures not with bright. Should today’s
Artificial glow blind mine thoughts, I fear
An outburst untampered. Tempestuous Fate,
Take pity on mine Untested wings. Now,
To take mine own unworn stage, I fly.
Exeunt [JACK]
1.2
Enter [TONY], a sales associate at Rebney Mobile Homes
TONY Ah, window, thou mock me as a desperate
Narcissist, for thine reflection bears mine
But belies mine hideous turmoil. O,
Cruel Fate! This long weight which I kept with Mike,
Mine co-carrier, my partner, hath more than
Doubled in his absence. The interminable crush
Grows. My fingers which claw too weakly cry out
For wings’ batter, but know them too young
To bluster against this force. Boulder turns
To avalanche. Fate, I beg – mind thy rolling.
Enter [JACK]
Our task awaits.
JACK Fare thee well, Tony. Hast thou prepared our
Equipment for recording?
TONY Aye, ‘tis time.
Now, with delicacy deserved, strap
Thine microphone to tender breast. We want not
Waste our takes and time, knowing time is
Like to escape when life’s waste is nigh.
JACK Worry not, wary Tony, mine mind is sharp
From rest-less sleep – I took mine evening to
Review and revise, skipping sheep.
[TONY] turns away
TONY He slumbers not!
I fear our venture has nay a chance of
Even taking off.
[TONY] turns back
Right, then, we start simply:
Extol thine Winnebago’s beauty and virtues.
Spare no small detail – our customers are
Wont to know in grand specificity,
Lest, save us, they want not. Please, on mine three!
JACK I embark on thine three.
TONY One...two...three!
JACK “The Winnebago Concepts and Engineering
Departments have developed a multifunctional
Bathroom. Privacy...is...is...” AYE! My words float!
Tony, grab and return them thence. Make haste!
TONY “...of the utmost importance for an RV
Of the modern age.” Again, on mine three.
JACK Yes, mine own pen guided that. I know these
Words true. On thine three!
TONY Ready? One...two...three!
JACK “The Winnebago Concepts and Engineering
Departments have developed a multifunctional
Bathroom. Privacy...is...is...” O! Rot – mind!
Mad orgy of madness take thee spirits and...DASH!
O, would that Dionysus’ domain
Begin with sun’s rise, not its bloody fall.
I fear instead the fall of sanity.
Guide me not, rage of Zeus, ‘stead lend thine
Wisest daughter to my bumbling aid. AGAIN!
TONY One...two...
JACK “The Winnebago Concepts and...
“The Winnebago Concepts and...” FIE! FIE!
A beast and its excretions take fearsome hold
Of my innards, and buzzards await mine fall.
Two poles for dispensing, though a greater
Distance should separate wisdom from waste.
Damn mine earth’s reverse. A mire to escape.
Yet we go on. Ward me, O fallen father,
‘Gainst this bumbling Fate. Tony, toward new sights
We stride. New lines – new senses – better mine.
Exeunt [TONY] and [JACK]
1.3
Enter [JACK] into an RV
JACK Come hence, Tony. Are thine spirits sunk?
How unlike we are to drown ‘fore setting!
Why, thou know’st midnight preceded dawn!
Look yonder! ‘Tis racing chariot! Rejoice!
Enter [TONY] into the RV
TONY Thou hath shade enough to meet the blaze,
Yes, but dare I remind of yore’s squander?
Today, mine sole desire is for thou
To capture Hera’s grace – Not Zeus’ fury.
JACK I shall play mine part upon thine set stage.
TONY Prepare, then. On mine three. One...two...three!
JACK “The Winnebago Concepts and Engineering
Departments have developed a multi...”
FUCK!
[TONY] turns away from [JACK]
TONY And before our wax has hardened, we fly.
[TONY] turns toward [JACK]
Again, Jack, on mine three. One...two...three!
JACK “The Winnebago Concepts and Engineering
Departments have developed a multi...”
SHIT!
[TONY] turns away from [JACK]
TONY Strand me, pretending Prince of Athens,
On yonder desert island. It seems a paradise.
[TONY] turns toward [JACK]
Jack, thou art prepared! Thou art the soul scribe!
We are once more – unto the desert beach!
We begin again – on mine three! One...two...three!
JACK “The Winnebago Concepts and Engineering
Departments have developed a multi...”
Son of a BITCH!
[TONY] turns away from [JACK]
TONY Crushing waves, please take mercy.
Mine face soaks itself with stress’ tears,
But mine body hast not thus prepared.
‘Fore Fate’s flood, pardon thine petty levee.
Jack, grasp thine pride and hold it dear.
[TONY] turns toward [JACK]
Keep mind sane; keep speech clear. Now!
On mine hopeful three! One! Two! THREE!
JACK “The Winnebago Concepts and Engineering
Departments have developed a multi...”
...Jesus CHRIST!
[TONY] turns away from [JACK]
TONY Lo, now we meddle with forces below.
I ask not for help, nor hope – both for fools.
‘Stead, I pray for painless end. Misery,
I crowd thee with mine company. Enough!
[TONY] turns toward [JACK]
Jack, I take a temporary leave.
Exeunt [TONY], slamming the RV door
JACK Slam not the fucking door! No! No more!
Though I propel our struggle, though I steer,
Veer not toward heights of deadly plummet!
To pull rotten eggs from golden nest –
‘Tis excrement none can abed! Enough!
[MIKE REBNEY] enters the RV and stares at [JACK]
Ho – What is this cruel trickery yonder?
Exhaustion hath overcome me, ‘tis true,
Else I see a ghost of mine own father
Hath returned for final torment. A vision.
[MIKE REBNEY] begins to approach [JACK]
O! Walking taunt, come no closer – no closer!
Or I shall cast some of thine own upon you!
[MIKE REBNEY] stops and stares at [JACK]
What ho, paternal specter? If today were
Not already madness defined, I would
Liken you to mine late, blessed sanity.
Should lightning Himself, clad in human feint,
Appear before me, I can’t but say
He would stir me in the same.
[MIKE REBNEY] broadens his stance and points directly at [JACK]
His own...his...
But ‘tis his forceful point! ‘Tis father, returned!
MIKE Silence, Jack. In this granted infinity,
I possess scant time. You must silence thy rage.
As Theseus tricked the beast ‘fore slaughter,
Your wits must overcome all base instinct.
Heed me with haste – or put all in peril.
[MIKE REBNEY] begins to leave
JACK Father! But father, everything is unsaid!
How? Once the breeze of mine storm caresses,
I open mine wings and rip the very air.
‘Tis my nature. O, stay, stay! Please, – the cure?
[MIKE REBNEY] turns around on the edge of the stage
MIKE I regret not thine wax, nor thine feathers,
But only that I forgot to teach of yonder sun.
Exeunt [MIKE REBNEY]
JACK No! ‘Twas no golden cover! No comfort!
I stand still, unmoved and chilled. Why, father?
Why cast thine dispersions with a Gorgon’s stare
And a goddess’ neglect? O, wretched distance!
Do I now follow to Asphodel?
To pass the three – Beasts, Judges, Furies? No.
A plant requires a stay to grow,
And gloom’s cast shall meet Son’s testing blaze.
Father, keep thine morass – ‘tis all but past.
I grab the reins, and steer for brightest day.
Exeunt [JACK]
1.4
[TONY] lies alone on his bed, center stage
TONY My mind wanders. Eyes cannot hold sleep.
Thrice vexed, Jack hath forced me to consult the Three.
Knowing all is lost if inaction be mine curse,
In darkness I now pursue a fiend’s course.
Vengeance be wrongly named when incompetence
Has thrice maimed. Fate, what is mine path?
[TONY] sits up in bed
O, low key mind, thou hast timely arrived!
Flies! Flies! Those, un-boarish in nature,
Possess the fire, tusk, and bristle to boor.
Lo, when I unleash this, my silent stampede,
Jack will, adhering to nature, desire a flee.
[TONY] stands up on his bed
‘Gain, vengeful heart? Could thine production persist?
Tomorrow, owners become mine customers!
The shareholders! A swift death from above!
My plan thus hatched – elaborate, involved –
Our feeble hero shan’t be able to trace.
[TONY] lies down and goes to sleep
2.1
[JACK] enters
JACK Come, Tony, our first ‘tempt today lies within.
[TONY] enters and turns toward the audience
TONY Surely, today’s pests provide a doom so
Speedy, Jack shall be forced to leap – to Fly.
JACK Ready? We embark on thine three.
TONY One...two...three!
JACK “Our concepts and engineering departments...”
[JACK] begins flailing his arms wildly
Drat! An onslaught! Far from three – an infinity!
Away, pyrrhic pests, away to master Pan,
Or stay and face death! Tony, I reset
And prepare for thine swift three.
TONY One...two...three!
JACK “Our concepts and”...Avast, ye flies, Avast!
From what infernal depths thou flew, I know not,
But thou bear the beginnings of mental rot.
I shall thee away! Away! My cloth – my cleave!
[JACK] runs around the stage, wildly swinging a cloth
TONY Glorious swarm, keep thine nagging! Pursue!
Observe his frenzied descent, as a wild
Beast rips at the bone. A feast for mine soul!
[TONY] turns to [JACK]
Jack, ‘tis a folly! Please, wrestle thin temper
And let us continue.
JACK Aye, I cease, I cease.
‘Tis temporary disgrace. Learned mind now
Corrects and readies for three – fear not thrice.
TONY One...two...three!
JACK “Our concepts and engineer...”
[JACK] wildly swings the cloth
“Our concepts and engineering departments...”
[JACK] spits rapidly in all directions
O, thou test mine, humors? Here, another taste!
[JACK] spits rapidly in all directions
Thine attentions flatter mine ambitions!
For mine pursuit passes thy lands –
Those with gnarled wood and billowing wind,
Those that rest afoot our splendid Mount.
Mine resolve keeps what mine eyes cannot:
The count of thine wing’s flap! Heh! Buggers! Rogues!
As thou feast on darkened folly, I fly
On chariot of flame. With smoldering cloth,
I apply Fate’s brand!
[JACK] sprints around the stage, chasing flies, wildly swinging the cloth, before exiting
TONY Machinations of a mind twisted require
Not Fate’s assistants. O, wondrous rage, keep
Thine fire lit! Now, to earned Destiny, away!
Exeunt [JACK] and [TONY]
2.2
[TONY] enters with two Rebney RV Home shareholders, [ROY] and [JULIE]
TONY ‘Twould be inadequate to measure mine
Honor, yet I must attempt it. So
Very welcome are thee, our honored guests.
ROY Thine flattery is unnecessary.
JULIE Truly, ‘tis duty fulfilled to contribute
To thine production. Such excitement and
Fascination are naught behind oaken desks
Or lighted screens. ‘Tis nice, indeed.
ROY Indeed!
TONY Thine presence has charged the atmosphere!
I prickle at possibilities! Aye, and thence – Jack.
[JACK] enters
Recall: thine purpose is to purchase.
Let intrigue be thine radiant interest!
Welcome, Jack. Come meet our ragged Zeuses.
JACK O, glorious! Hail to thee so disguised!
We owe all to thee; thanks will not suffice.
ROY Please, fine sir, ‘tis our honor and pleasure.
JULIE We thank thee for proven hospitality.
Now, on to business! I admit embarrassment
At mine own passivity and disinterest.
Too long resting on high. Today, we toil!
ROY Aye!
JULIE Aye!
JACK Wondrous! Then, Tony – proceed!
TONY One...two...three!
JACK “The D.I. 613 provides
The accoutre...accoutrement...you need!”
Accoutrement? ‘Tis so written, Tony?
TONY By thine marked pen and hand, Jack, ‘tis true.
JACK Heh! A strange tongue long ago forgotten,
Yet I follow designs thus written.
Again, Tony. On thine count.
TONY One...two...three!
JACK “The D.I. 613 provides the accou...
Provides the accoutre...the accoutre...”
TONY “THE ACCOUTREMENT THAT YOU WILL NEED!”
JACK “THE ACCOUTREMENT THAT YOU WILL NEED?!”
Damned matter! Foul stink! Cursed ink! FIE! FIE!
From burdened mind to blank page – and back again!
Damned reversal! Tongue: Untie at once
And find new shape ‘round my neck as noose!
[JULIE] and [ROY] step aside to speak privately
JULIE Aye, what frightful beast is this? Disgusting.
ROY ‘Haps senses flight is temporary leave.
If not – I fear we must take swift reprieve.
[JULIE] and [ROY] return to [JACK] and [TONY]
TONY Jack, flap less thy wings and glide for restful shore!
Hawk not thine fury. ‘Stead, show thine temper.
JACK In balance I return: Not broken, nor bent.
My hunt for sanity concludes. Sorry, guests.
ROY ‘Tis no trouble.
JULIE Aye, none at all, fine ser.
JACK Righted ship, open thine sails! Tony, on three!
TONY One...two...three!
JACK “The D.I. 613
Provides the accou...”
[JACK] wildly swings his arms
Vicious fuckery!
[JACK] sprints around the stage, flailing his arms
To mire in such mediocrity! Gah!
Tony, pray thee read ‘gain what I put down
With mine cursed pen.
TONY “Accoutrement!”
JACK Seems too eagerly I lent false sentiment,
For I care not about mad scribblings –
All gone, the wisps, with pathetic gust.
To have...to toil...all to aimless mountaintop.
This burden, Tony, this patron’s curse – Ah. Fuck.
Yonder red blinking mocks mine ghastly stare.
Tarry not, Tony. ‘Tis hope thou see buried here.
[JACK] begins wandering aimlessly while [TONY] follows him
ROY Neither power of Zeus nor patience of Hera
Dwell in faraway successor. Down the
Tree we have fallen – far. Can thou endure
The pound and sting of these branches, Julie?
JULIE We descend to neither island nor garden.
We have become torturers of the Dark.
To see our Empire in ruins...what now, Roy?
ROY Mayhaps descent hath past. Look to the Mount!
Power, placed in just hands, can ascend any peak,
Reach any height. To save corporate treasures,
A swift fist – firmly applied. Aye?
JULIE Aye.
Mind sharpens knives long rusted. Look! His back!
‘Tis sunset. Come, Roy, death becomes us.
[JULIE] and [ROY] join [JACK] and [TONY] center stage
JACK Apologies infinite to our guests.
JULIE Tony, perchance we share a word – yonder?
TONY Aye. Jack, blow clouds from thine mind. Be as a breeze.
[JULIE] and [TONY] leave the stage together
JACK Roy, do tell – hath thou long contemplated
Ownership of mine leisurely mobiles?
ROY What bafflement thou offer. Thine posture
Hath thou changed masks. An oddity, yes?
‘Tis a cliff, yonder. Sharp the edge, indeed,
Immeasurable the Fall. Art thou blind?
JACK To the Three – mayhaps. Yet thou make vexes,
And verses whispered often belie peace.
‘Tis an occasion recited for curses?
Surely, thou don the mask – not hooded?
[JULIE] and [TONY] quickly return to the stage
TONY Jack, with urgency –
JULIE Must we beseech thee –
TONY Pray thee tarry not –
JULIE And with swift mercy –
TONY ‘Tis no Asphodel –
JULIE With Kronos, thou dwell –
JACK Mentors of madness – cease. At ease, Harpies.
Thou speakst to a man forgone in peace.
For rest, I cloud. For relief, I sprout.
No height yet seen can resist such growth.
JULIE Hold plough; wayward gardener, cease – for good.
By gods, thou inheritance spent. Please – cease.
What good can thou produce but old, lame pride?
What good to postpone while the Fates relent not?
JACK ‘Tis I, confusion, –
ROY Then we shall be brief.
Thou becomes sunset, Jack. Broken. Cracked. Cease!
JULIE Our news bears the burden thou shan’t ease.
ROY Jack, long hast thine name weighted: Rebney.
But meat spoils, and wine turns – so, too, names.
With thine, given to rot, and Father without,
Thou maintain no shelter of sanity.
JACK Mind scrambles, given such heat, I will...shan’t...
JULIE Thine presence, taken to nil, shan’t make ill.
ROY Swept with Fury, taken by white – a grain.
JULIE Endure through self; Fate appreciates not “until.”
ROY Passion, a seer, can, given occasion, steer –
JACK Punishment, given to curry favor, – cease!
Please, spare thine thirsts, and withhold teeth!
Designs long forgotten – O, those perished,
I now hold at a distance close...so gone...
His inheritance, a stronghold, built with stone,
Shan’t, without hatred’s bow, nor stone’s malice,
Be undone! Sunk? Now? An institution!
Fling, fools! Set counterweight! Bring thine folly!
With gilded position I shall excel,
Yet a sunken genius Fate shall propel.
[JACK] exits the stage
JULIE ‘Tis finished –
ROY A relief –
TONY My brother... – Over.
2.3
[JACK] lies alone on his bed, center stage
JACK Maze of my mind, thine solution is a trap:
Having found the out – the rage throughout –
I now find precisely my place – O, out!
Father, thine shadow, double wide, did prove
Mine lame undoing. Tartarus, to which
I now descend, promises more hope, light.
Fie, cruel Fate! To know the Son, whose Herculean
Failures two mortal hands could never grasp,
Was molded for murk – not ray or bow...
[JACK] stands up next to his bed
Melt: Mine pride, mine anger, mine legacy,
Drip thine powers into the depths blue,
And expect naught a search, nor frantic rescue.
Thine glue ascended to full – to Fall.
Outliving mine family’s place would punish
Fate, which ruled decisively this day.
What purpose can man claim if tempers become
Like gales, immeasurable in hatred
And doubly in pain? ‘Tis cruel. I am swept.
[JACK] lifts up a pillow and holds up a gun
Come, humors, and brandish neither flute nor arrow,
We flounder at last – search not for a boat.
[JACK] puts the gun to his head, pulls the trigger, and dies
