Big Pun, "I'm Not a Player"

Big Pun was a player. And it’s well documented. The rambling slop of his love life is made public numerously - but never more gloriously than on “I’m Not a Player.” This opus of sleaze is Quixotian in desperation, overcompensation, and creativity. Should you ever find yourself in a consensual sexual encounter with someone like Big Pun, here is a list of things you should watch out for:

• He may be “up in it,” “suckin’ it,” or “bustin’ it out” - in no particular order. Suggestions may help.
• Allow him to unbutton your blouse. It will be the kindest thing he does all evening.
• He will likely refer to himself in the 3rd person, i.e. “then let the Pun hit it.” Do not laugh at or encourage this.
• It is concerning that he expects his “balls” to “bang off your hymen.” Please feel free to leave at any time.
• He claims to be “the best at all sex positions,” yes, but my advice is simple: Get off the top at your own peril.
• Though it may be tempting to “rub his tummy and make a wish,” I...Aw, hell. Do it.
• Should he insist that the “tip” of his tongue in the “vocal booth” is enough to achieve orgasm, politely correct him.
• Scholars have yet to determine if “pimps” ever pushed “pink Caddies with the fish tank pumps.” You are fully entitled to pause for fact checking, of course.
• When he tells you to “be good” so he can “put away the wood and give you the mustache,” simply swallow your vomit and hope that the “tongue twistin’” is worth it.

It’s 2018 - and yet, I won’t ostracize Big Pun. For tracking down his perverse motivations, his history of one-sided sex, may be simpler than we would expect. He ends at the beginning: “Is it aight if I come down there and sing to you?”

Fully exposed, he is surely ready for the answer. I expect he knew who wasn’t coming all along.